Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The Battle Is Always Within-Gun Cocked and Loaded

It’s been a hard week or so… Numbers cascading growing then shrinking, then growing again. All from “key loggers” who rape the individual computers of their bank Accounts and Pay-Pal. Bigger Banks who prey on their need for Greed, and Pay-Pal who remains within integrity…. Fighting for re-compensation. And their I stood alone… or so I thought till one hand reached out in the darkness and shed a light of hope, then another and another. Hundreds of dollars gone to the point that even small numbers like my Label cost seemed enormous. Sometimes I am so very tired and have been for many-many-many years. It started with fighting for my health in 1999.

Stricken with Multiple Scleroses I began the fight quite simply… Fighting with my strongest weapons, work, prayer, and faith I was fully determined never to land in a wheelchair or in my case a mental ward because of the sheaths area near the hypothalamus area was 90% eaten. 90% of my emotional sheaths center is gone, so… I fought, and fought hard the Doctors who now stand amazed. I knew that the “Law” of the Universe was behind me and that the “Love” of the Universe would not let me down. I would be healed, that was the bottom-line, it’s done… and that’s what happened. I have been in remission for over ten years with no apparent residual effect. 

As time went on I became well, to the amazement of my Doctors, but then my Friend of 35 years fell ill and I became a caretaker. Well that’s a hard job in and of itself, but then I found in 2000 On-Line Film-Music-Videos and realized; “Hey I can learn this!” So began my journey that brings me to this point of “Devotions Recording” 2010 start date. I found Friends; my first Friend in 2000 from MySpace Derek of Feed The Fire Films became not only a good Friend but my Film Instructor for Sony Vegas for Film-Video and Sony Acid for Music. Jodie P Floss from Ning became not only my Dearest Friend but Partners in Striking Concept Films-Video. Gentle Rains from Ning also jumped in for many a project as a WebMaster and Writer at my Ning Site Prayer Partners Unite and then X~Ray Your Soul ~1. Lazarus the Resurrected from MySpace one of the top HTML-CSS writers around for WebSite Building and Sam McFarland was my oldest friend from the On-Line Business world; she introduced me to the cream of the crop like Scott Crowley and Kathy Hamilton. These are my First Ones, the First On-Line Friends in this new world I entered.

Very few know that it is the hidden trigger that freaks me out most of the time. Repetitive dreams more hideous than the prior repetitive dreams. Loss of sleep because I dare not dream the same dream again. Extreme loss of appetite, loss of interest, the sense of no one cares so why should I and then… then a simple move toward the door to shut down the entire world around me including you. Pure Isolation to the point that voices are irritants, thoughts are useless and the inside and outside world is held in complete disdain. One thought exists; “can Death hurry up and come or I will assist Death.” But then I remember, I am not worth anything dead, no life insurance, so that won’t work either.

Yes, these are the thoughts of the depressed. Some more extreme than mine fly about in the hidden world of the hideously depressed. Cutting of the skin just to be able to feel again, drugs to dull the pain, drink to kill the sense of mistrust, been there done that, all of it. I don’t even remember my teenage years, my memory stopped after 7 years old with my first and last cut to my own body. We are all built for Love, and built to be Loved, yet….. Something seems to go bonkers with that world alone. What a hoax, or is it???? Have we been lied too for so long that the lie of “Love” has been so distorted that we do not know its real meaning of the word Love anymore.

Do not expect this Article to be intact, logical, or necessarily in order, the Music and Film will do that. This barrage of strung together worlds is an awareness that every single person, good, bad, or indifferent leaves a foot print on our Souls. Now that can be a stomp in your face, or a gentile embrace that fills the Soul with joy. It’s all a wave, waves of changes, waves that kill or waves that lift you up. And depending on what you think of that wave will most likely be its outcome. It’s probably a good thing that I am a Taurus, stubbornness and persistence affords me the opportunity to barrel my way through any work day like butter. Ahhhhh but then the 28th of June came, and a “key logger” was found hiding within my systems computer, and the three fold financial disaster appeared. And there I was faced with decisions too many of them.

Numbers that looked insurmountable, still do with CHASE, a cantankerous Air Conditioning unit that needed a second service, and me still bashing my head against a brick wall NOT wanting to ask for help but having too. My repetitive dream through the whole process was me and an old friend from 1999. My Dear Friend… a 38 Taurus Police Special with bullets that cut and expand when leaving the body. My old Friend was taken from me on May 5th 1999 it’s sale date was May 6th 1999 one day after my birthday. My repetitive dream was that I shot myself and was free, free from the world that I hold distain for. Free from the “ride.” Free from the lies of misrepresented “Love.” All I could hear was this distant song in my head, so rather than dealing with these emotions and the repetitiveness of this dream, I got up and wrote “Gun Cocked and Loaded.”

There is a clear advantage to where I am now as opposed to where I was in 99. I have Music, and I can project my feelings in Film. It’s therapeutic and I love my work. And the one cool thing is I have a Friend who is like a “Life Coach” so to say in Nancy B.’ You see, out of everybody I know, I need a “Life Coach.” Most who do not fear death better have a “Life Coach,” they better have something or someone, those who do not fear death need contact more than anyone on the planet, because their “contact” is real freedom and it’s name is death. And those who have come back from death need a different kind of contact than the usual blaa-ba-di blaa blaa blaa BS.

Now Nancy is an Artist too, she’s an Actress, Singer, and Speaker. Well she was at NoHo New Thought Art Center speaking and suggested that I go and listen to her Lecture “Riding the Wave.” I did, and all I could hear was my song in key parts of her Lecture. Those parts were meant for me, obviously. Well ya know my feelings on this guys… if a visual comes up, and the music plays in my head, a short film will soon occur.

So I’m kinda done writing now, most won’t understand this anyway so, let’s let the short film now do the real work. And after the short film go hug somebody find out if their ok. Find out if their alive. Find out if they have a need… It will do both of you good. Oh and without blowing the whole film’s end, the stretched gun shot effect, is all I need now because now, it’s not aimed at my head anymore; it’s aimed at my negative thoughts.

Much thanks for extra film footage from Feed The Fire Films. NIMH researcher Dr. Jane Pearson. NIMH researcher Dr. Jane Pearson talks about warning signsas well as progress in suicide prevention. Full Video "Preventing Suicide" A Young Lady that cares about YOU not killing yourself.  You can find Shade Law's work and all of the DevotionsRecording Artists music here at Blogger as well. You can find the Instrumental of "Gun Cocked and Loaded"at Sound Click.

Blessings from all the Devotions Recording Artists, Striking Concept Films-Video and espicially Knight Productions-Social Concerns Films.


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